How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
