So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
