Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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