I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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