I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
