Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
