Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
