If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
