Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
