How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
