Do you still have your period?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
