stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
