Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
