I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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