What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
