My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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