I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
