LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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