Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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