Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
