Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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