Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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