Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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