you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
