he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
