booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
