Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
