Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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