Your face is a jimmy john
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Your cock deserves a montage
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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