I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
