he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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