apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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