before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
