it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
