Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
