apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
