my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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