I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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