Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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