having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
