I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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