mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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