All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
