yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
