He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
