I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
