U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
