Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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