He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
