Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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